PARENTING AS HUSBAND AND WIFE
STRENGTHENING YOUR MARRIAGE WITHIN A GROWING FAMILY
When children enter the family unit certain aspects of marriage change. Many studies have shown that with the arrival of a child, marital satisfaction decreases. When learning the ropes of parenthood, you are exhausted, stressed, drained, overwhelmed and frazzled. While your little one may require much of your time and energy, do not forget about your spouse. You entered this parenting journey together. Become each others main support and greatest advocate. Parenting is difficult. Do not lose your marriage to your children. In this lesson, we will discuss some ways of how to keep your marriage strong when the children come.
Your Spouse is Number One
Before your baby was born, your spouse was your number one priority. You spent time together, met each others needs, and made sure your spouse knew they were the most important person in your life. With the birth of a child, that focus shifts. It is a natural shift, but one that needs to refocus on your spouse. The Family Systems Theory teaches that one member in your family can change everything.
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Before your baby was born, you had what you would call your normal figured out. With the arrival of a child you need to create a new normal where your spouse is still the first priority in your life while raising your child. There will be times when your child's needs have to come first, but in the moments that are less urgent, meet your spouse's needs. There have been many times when I (Shannon) was in the middle of a conversation with my husband and our daughter did something cute or funny or started to cry and all my attention went to her. I can tell that it bothers my husband. If this were to continue to do so overtime, my husband would begin to feel as though he is less important to me. I am currently re-shifting my focus to my husband. It takes time, but I have seen the positives of focusing on my husband and making him my main priority.
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If your main focus is on your children right now, make an honest effort to change. Dr. William Doherty gives examples on how to not lose your marriage to your child. Some of these include:
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Set a bedtime
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Don’t let your children interrupt every conversation
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Carve out private times as a couple
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Carve out private space
Parenting Together
Each of your children will be unique in their own way. While your children are each unique, they all need consistency. When I (Olivia) was younger, this was something that my parents really struggled with. After they divorced, the challenge of parenting together became even harder. As I’ve grown, my parents have been willing to talk with me about how hard it was to parent together and how that struggle was part of what lead to their divorce. No matter who you marry, this will come up as an issue at some point. Below are two ideas of how to come together as parents and not let your differences put a wedge in your marriage.
For the Little Things
For the Big Things
Last week we discussed communication. Communication in parenting is so important. I (Olivia) am not a parent yet, but last summer I worked at a residential treatment center as a mentor for challenged youth. The other mentors and I were always communicating through a group message about how the kids were doing. We needed consistent communication throughout everyday as we were caring for 12-14 young girls at a time. For a family with 1-3 kids, however, a short, daily report on how your child did throughout the day is a great way to update your spouse.
A weekly meeting discussing larger topics such as persistent challenges with kids, defining bed times and changes to routines, and things that you and your spouse might disagree on is a good habit to develop. As a general rule, this meeting should be done privately with just you and your spouse. If you both decide to change something, go to your kids and let them know about it after you have agreed on the changes. It’s okay for your kids to be a part of some discussions as a family and one their own with you, but make sure you and your spouse are on the same page before promising anything.
Conclusion
When you become a parent, life suddenly feels so much more overwhelming. What was once a simple two-person family suddenly becomes a challenging circus of three, not including the potential dogs, cats, neighbors, friends, and relatives that are also vying for your attention. With the new responsibility of being a parent, it is vital that you remember to set aside time to enjoy being with your spouse. Parenting is hard enough as it is, if you and your spouse aren’t one in heart it gets much harder. By taking time to continue having fun with your spouse, you’ll be able to continue as the amazing team you’ve always been. Once you’re one in heart, you can work on being one in mind by communicating about your joint parenting efforts. I know it’s hard to set aside time to be together for fun AND to communicate about how the ins and outs of parenting, but by doing both you will find more peace in your home and more energy to do the things you really want to do with your family (whether that’s watching movies, doing crafts, playing sports, or anything else). The challenge this week is to start where you are. Pick one of the three things we talked about (spending time to fulfill your spouse’s needs, small daily communication about your kids, or a weekly meeting) do it. Let us know how it goes!
Your marriage is important and should be treated as such. Do whatever is best for your family, but always make sure that your spouse knows that they are important to you. Your spouse needs to be your number one priority.