KEEPING THE SPARK ALIVE
DATING AFTER MARRIAGE
Keeping the spark in your marriage takes time and energy. Think back to when you were dating your spouse. What did you do to get to know each other? It's safe to say that going on dates was a regular occurrence. That time together allowed you to get to know one another. You talked to each other, laughed and took advantage of learning every detail about one another's lives. Now that you're married, are you still taking that time to get to know your partner? You may think you know everything about your partner, which compared to others, you probably do. We promise you, there is still more to learn and love about your spouse. In this lesson we will teach you the importance of dating your spouse. Leave the children at home and go out to remember and renew the love you have for your spouse.
Why Date Your Spouse?
In his book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman related the story of a time when he was talking with a couple who were considering divorce. "We just seem to have fallen out of love," they said. As Gottman tried to understand how this couple who had once been so in love almost reached the point of divorce, he asked, "What did you do together when you were dating?" Taken aback, the couple said that they were both really good dancers. In fact, they had met dancing and would go dancing together as a date frequently when they were young. Gottman followed up with, "When was the last time you danced together?" Neither could remember. They couldn't even remember the last time they had gone on a date together, just to be together. It is so easy to get into the routine of life and forget to set aside time to do things that we enjoy, even something as
important as dating your spouse. By making time to regularly date your spouse, you make your marriage a priority and give it a better fighting chance when faced with the whirlwinds of life. Dating strengthens your relationship and brings the spark back to your marriage. As you date your spouse, you will feel happier and closer as you get to know each other even better than you already do.
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Hunter and I (Olivia) have tried to make dating a priority in our lives. One day Hunter came home from class and told me that he had been talking to his friend about how excited he was to go on a date this weekend. His friend, confused, said, "But aren't you married?" Hunter realized that his friend didn't understand why he would go on a date with his wife. That evening, we evaluated how dating each other regularly since we got married has changed our relationship. My husband said, "I love dating my wife because she's my best friend and it's the best thing I can do for our relationship."
How to Date Your Spouse
Daily Ritual
Weekly Dates
Spend Time Together
There is a difference between a routine and a ritual. As married couples we should have both. We will all have our day to day interactions together which is a routine, but a ritual is an intentional connection made as a couple as Dr. William Doherty has taught. The options are endless when it comes to creating your daily ritual. It may be taking a fifteen minute walk after dinner, drinking a cup of hot chocolate in the morning, dancing in the living room, sitting on the couch and talking, playing a game and so on. Daily rituals improve intimacy levels in marriage as it creates a daily routine of emotional connection. As intimacy levels increase, regular challenges that people face in marriage seem less challenging. My husband and I have seen the benefits of having a daily ritual. As a couple we sit on our front porch for twenty minutes. The first ten minutes we talk about our days, school, work, the baby, our friends and family. The next ten minutes are solely focused on us individually and as a couple. Create a ritual as a couple and begin to recognize the difference it makes in your relationship. You will be able to remember why you fell in love in the first place. Your daily ritual can be anything as long as it is intentional.
Date your spouse every week. Spend time alone as a couple to strengthen your relationship. This time needs to be technology free. If you are constantly looking at your phone, the television or the watch on your wrist, your attention is elsewhere. Make your spouse your number one priority when you take the time to be together. Date nights can be anything. Sometimes it may be going out to dinner, a picnic at the park, going on a walk, playing frisbee, going grocery shopping, the movies and so on. For Tyson and I (Shannon) weekly dates have become a challenge since our little one joined our family. Recently, we have recommitted to have weekly date nights. Every other week we serve in our religious community. On the other nights we take turns planning our date. This last week we went dancing for 45 minutes. This time allowed us to relax, have fun together and gave us time to be us. It was amazing! It felt as if we were back to our dating years. We truly enjoyed being together with no distractions. In that moment, there wasn't another worry in the world. This is key to dating. Strengthen your relationship with one another and don't let other things or people take over" your date. Do whatever is best for you as a couple, but set that time aside and continue to date one another.
To truly keep the spark alive, it is extremely important to spend time together. The longer you are a married couple, the more you may become business partners instead of loving spouses. To keep this from occurring, we must spend personal time together. The University of Arkansas published an article that said, “Connection doesn’t require a lot of planning. Even if the only time you have together alone is after the kids are asleep and you’re exhausted, hold hands while watching your favorite television show. Sit next to each other and just enjoy being together… Find time to be together just the two of you.” As we take this time, we can cultivate a more loving marital union.
We are busy people. Often we do not know how we are going to accomplish all that the day requires of us, but we can take a few minutes each day to spend that time with our spouse. It may seem like there is no time some days, but take five minutes out of your crazy day and call your partner. Let them know that you love him/her and that you were thinking about them. Do whatever you need to do as a couple to make sure that your spouse feels loved.
The key to dating your spouse is keeping that friendship alive. Your spouse should be your best friend. Utah State University published an article saying, “A solid marital friendship is a buffer against the problems that arise in marriage. No marriage will be totally free of differences, and setting out to fix everything that’s not perfect is an impossible task. Couples are happier when they focus on the good in their marriage and in their spouse. When the friendship is good, it is easier to do that. And when the friendship is solid and couples are happy in the marriage, differences and problems don’t seem to matter as much.” To be a happy couple that enjoys dating one another, we must be the best of friends.
Conclusion and Challenge
Every couple is different and what works for one couple might not work for another. But dating is unique in that you can literally do whatever you want. Whether you stay home and have a game night, or go out to the local carnival, or volunteer at a homeless shelter, intentionally dating your spouse will improve your marriage. We guarantee it. The challenge for this week is to go on a date with your spouse. Make a plan, do something fun. Ask your spouse out on a date in a fun way. Every now and then I (Olivia) will receive a text from my husband that says something like this, "Hey, I really enjoyed hanging out with you yesterday. I have a pretty big crush on you. Would you go on a date with me on Saturday?" I love it when he does that. Be creative and brave! While on your date, focus on having fun and getting to know each other. Leave the rest of life behind. This is often easier if you leave the house, especially when you have kids. We're excited to hear how your date went! Let us know in the comments below how dating has improved your marriage. Have fun on your date!
Bonus!
Below are some great articles we found on dating your spouse. If you're struggling to come up with ideas, check out a few of these webpages. Have a great week!