COMMUNICATION
A Marriage Skill
Communication in your marriage is so important. Being able to openly communicate with your spouse will positively affect your marriage. Has there ever been a time when you were not seeing eye to eye? Or have you ever chosen to agree to disagree? Have you ever talked through something and came to a conclusion together? We feel it is safe to say that these scenarios have occurred in most marriages. While it may be easy to talk to your spouse, truly communicating and understanding one another can be difficult. In this lesson, we will discuss the different aspects of how to communicate effectively in marriage.
Communication in Marriage
Almost every time I asked for (or didn’t ask for) advice on how to have a successful marriage, someone brought up the importance of communication. Before I was married, I always agreed and thought that sounded great. After I got married, though, I found that there’s more to communication than being able to express yourself clearly and being able to hear what your partner has to say. I was sitting in my college class one day last year and my professor, Professor Ratcliffe, brought up the topic of communication. He started playing devil’s advocate by trying to prove to his advanced marriage and family science students that communication isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. As we went on with this exercise, I had this thought come to me. Lawyers and politicians are often great communicators, but they don’t have to worry about going home and raising a family with most of the people they communicate with. Thus, communication within a relationship, especially a marriage relationship, must be different than general communication. Since that class, I’ve studied how communication skills within marriage is different from general communication skills. Below is a list of skills and an explanation of how to implement them in ways that will benefit your marriage.
Listen
The first skill is listening. Dr. Stephen Covey once said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” How often have you seen this present within the conversations or disagreements you’ve had with neighbors, friends, and family members? I feel like each of us can think of a time when we were talking with someone and felt like we were being run over. Our opinion didn’t seem to matter to them. In a marriage, this pattern can be deadly to your relationship. As the years go on, resentment builds in each partner as they feel less and less understood. How can we avoid this? The key is to put your partner’s thoughts, opinions, and ideas first. Earnestly try to understand their perspective. Try to figure out why they think and feel the way they do. Even if you’re the only spouse doing this, your relationship is bound to grow and blossom.
You shouldn’t always look to prove your point. This doesn’t mean that you have to “give in to” or agree with what your spouse is saying. It’s okay if you think differently about some things. Believe it or not, that’s something every couple deals with! What I’ve found to work best for me (Olivia) is to really put myself in my husband’s shoes and try to understand where he’s coming from. I let him talk for as long as he wants, restating what he says to make sure I understand. After he says his part we take a break and I think about it for a while. Your spouse will know if you’re letting them talk only for you to be able to respond. This goes back to truly listening. Make your conversations with your spouse be about your spouse. Let go of your point of view and try to see theirs.
Apologizing
Last, but not least, it’s good to apologize. Even when “it” (whatever it was) wasn’t your fault. There is true power in being able to listen to your spouse’s thoughts, understand their point of view, and apologizing for the miscommunication. My husband is really great at this. I (Olivia) remember wanting to get home quickly after class and I just could not find him. He wasn’t answering his phone (he forgot it at home that morning) and I was getting really frustrated. When we finally got home, he could tell that I was upset. We talked and I exploded with how stressed I’d been feeling for the past few days. At the end of my rant, my husband gently held my hand and said, “I’m so sorry, honey. That must have been so hard. I’m here for you now. What can I do to help?” This completely changed my attitude and we came closer through this ordeal rather than further apart.
Repair Attempts
Sometimes communicating with your spouse is difficult.
Sometimes communicating with your spouse is difficult. Too often we do not agree on certain topics or we let little things get in the way, but it is a part of marriage. There will always be conflicts. The way we handle these conflicts is what is important. Often in the heat of our discussions, we do not recognize when our spouse is trying to extinguish the fire. Dr. John Gottman would call these actions repair attempts. Gottman has said, “A repair attempt is any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control.” Repair attempts can save us from letting our disagreements get so out of hand. Part of successful communication is when you realize that your
partner is trying to fix the argument. Is it hard to accept these attempts? Absolutely! There have been many times when my husband has tried to fix an issue by putting his hand out to me or through apologizing and I ignore and continue the banter. The only thing that comes out of ignoring these attempts is a longer, meaningless fight. I have learned over our two and a half years of marriage that when I respond positively to those attempts the fighting diminishes.
The next time you are in a disagreement with your spouse, look for the repair attempts made by your spouse. Or go one step further and be the one who offers the repair attempt. Pay attention to the atmosphere. If as a couple you understand the value of repair attempts, then continue them throughout your marriage.
Conclusion and Challenge
To summarize everything from this lesson, being able to communicate is a great skill to have. However, unless you are communicating with the intention to truly understand your spouse’s side, you will eventually find yourself wondering what you’re doing wrong and why you seem to keep having the same conversations over and over again. As you implement the communication skills we've taught you and seek to recognize the repair attempts your partner makes, you'll feel more connected with your spouse. The challenge this week is to sit down with your spouse and talk with them about what they are struggling with. Use the skills we’ve taught you and focus on them. Look for the repair attempts they try to make or try to make them yourself. Have a great week and let us know how it goes!
Other Good Resources
https://www.psychalive.org/top-10-effective-communication-techniques-couples/
https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
https://www.franklincovey.com/the-7-habits/habit-5.html
​
